Ultra-liberal Whackos	Liberals	Ultra-conservative Whackos
No weapons are available, including nail clippers and knitting needles. Eat your steak with a spoon or something.	Some weapons are allowed, some are not. Oh, and the 2nd Amendment doesn't say anything about making or selling weapons.	You can buy any weapons you want, including nukes.
Everyone gets a Basic Living Stipend.	Welfare is there to help the unfortunate get back on their feet. The minimum wage helps keep them there.	No welfare, no minimum wage. Be happy when I whip you, boy.
Abort all the babies. No one should ever have kids. But you should have lots and lots of unprotected sex.	Abortion is a possibility up to about 5 months. But if you're going to have sex, be careful about it in the first place.	Never abort a fetus or even a zygote. In fact, don't have sex. Ever.
Pure boot-heel Socialism.	Government regulates, but does not run, businesses.	Pure laissez-faire capitalism; corporations will be less regulated than humans, even though they have more power to screw things up.
Enforced race-mixing.	Date whomever you want.	No race-mixing.
Men should be subservient to women. Or wymyn. Or feminazis. Or something. Please don't hurt me.	Women and men are equal, and should be treated as equals.	Women should be subservient to men.
Polygamy and incestuous marriages are a-okay.	Any two consenting adults can marry, as long as they're not too closely related.	Only heteros can marry.
Government gets to control religion.	No religious test for serving in government. (see U.S. Constitution, Art. VI & Amd. I)	Religion gets to control government.
It's not illegal if you don't get caught in the act.	See the 4th Amendment. If you haven't done anything wrong, the government shouldn't conduct an inquisition.	The government can listen in on your phone calls and read your mail if they simply feel like it. If you haven't done anything wrong, then you shouldn't fear an inquisition.
Absolute freedom of speech...	...except that you can't incite violence or tell damaging lies.	If you disagree with the president (or his favorite general), you're a traitor.
Let's just politely ask all those "enemy combatants" not to commit terrorism.	Fair trials ensure that we know our verdict is correct, whether it's to acquit or convict.	Trials are for sissies. Suspicion equals guilt, like with all those witches.
We can stop terrorism through hugging.	Terrorism is a matter of law enforcement, since the perpetrators are just private citizens, not governments.	Anything bad done by a foreigner to a native is terrorism and an act of war, even though those aren't the same thing.

Look at how much more extreme liberals could be if they truly lost their minds. I actually could have gone further with some of the ultra-liberal stuff, and it demonstrates the sanity of real liberal positions on issues. On the other hand, the neo-cons don't have far to go before you have no rights and no hope. Just sit in your little box and do what we tell you to do, or we'll bring out the pain stick again. Oh, unless you're male, white, straight and rich; then you get to hold the pain stick.